On the flip side

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My heart broke into one million pieces this weekend.

One of my favourite human souls was diagnosed with breast cancer in her early 30’s.  I couldn’t vocalize this out loud for 3 days, so I’m going to try to put it into words.

My friend who attended my chemo appointments, took me on a surprise Valentine’s day trip to Seattle, and did a girl’s ski trip weekend when I was sick three years ago has been diagnosed with breast cancer.

All of our friends who carried me through my surgery and chemo with thoughtful words, visits and trips have to go through this again.  With another young adult.

I want to be with her and I want to hug her.  I want to take it away.  I don’t wish for her to have chemo.  Or any of this.  I want to tell her things will be the same after all this, but they never will.  I don’t want her to have cancer.

There’s distance between us.  Along with my divorce last year, I also lost her.  We both tried hard to maintain our friendship.  She was my best friend.  She was my family.  She was my rock.  I miss her in my life every damn day.  I just don’t know how to incorporate her into my new life.  We couldn’t hold on despite so many attempts.  And now that she is sick my brain has erased this time and space and taken me back 3 years and I just want to be with her.

I am on the other side and I don’t know what to say.  I’ve said I can talk, but that sounds cold and disconnected.  My brain is saying she will be ok, and I want to tell her she will be ok, and this is what my heart is saying.  But these were the words that hurt the most from those I loved when I was sick – it is contradicting and denying the current unknown reality.  I want to tell her good blogs to read, but is this as bad as those suggesting some miracle tea to cure cancer?  I want to plan a visit to see her, but we are no longer close friends and this is not respecting her boundaries.  I want to tell her to stay brave and graceful, but that sounds shallow and cliche.  Words are so empty and powerless when you are on the other side.

I am grateful she is surrounded by such loving friends and family.  And I wish for her to feel as loved and supported as I did.

She is a beautiful, contemplative soul who has more compassion for others than anyone I know.  She introduced me to good food, good beer, fashion and the rural Alberta accent. She spent countless hours running in minus 20 with me.  She pushed me to pursue my dreams and challenged my world perspectives.  She was my number one travel companion selecting the perfect excursion and meal to share every single damn time.  She has co-parented with me during baby sitting adventures.  She made time to visit me everywhere I have been in the past five years.  Through her, I have met my closest friends.

I feel helpless, and heart broken, in ways words can’t describe.  To say this is not fair would be the grandest understatement there ever was.

Steph, you are the only glimmer of a future I can hold onto – https://passmeanothercupcake.com/about/



One thought on “On the flip side

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